Origins of Ancient Gods

Second Generation of Frost Giants

Mythology of Origin: Norse

The Myth:

This myth begins in the same way that most creation myths begin – there is nothing in the beginning, and then there is a creature. In this case, the creature is sleeping.

The world’s first creature, according to Nordic mythology, was named Ymir, the founder of the race of frost giants.

His children, an unnamed son, an unnamed daughter, and a third, six-headed monstrosity of a frost giant, named Þrúðgelmir (pronounced… Wharglebarglefargle? No, it really isn’t; Thruhd-gel-mere), were born in bizarre ways. His unnamed son and unnamed daughter were born from the armpits of this astounding beast: one from the left and the other from the right (implied).

This is likely where an entire race of frozen denizens of the underworld were created.

What’s bizarre about this origin myth is not the fact that his children were born from his pits (well, that is weird) but the fact that they arose out of a pregnant armpit with a fully formed body.

His third child, Þrúðgelmir, was born in an even stranger fashion. Ymir’s left leg and his right leg got jiggy with it and out popped a fully-formed six headed monstrosity. This implies, however, that his legs were of different sexes. While this has not been observed in the real-world just yet, scientists are still looking for the descendents of frost giants whose legs are capable of reproducing with one another.

Hermaphroditus

Mythology of Origin: Greek

The Myth:

It’s the story of a normal, pre-civilization Greek boy. He was the child of Hermes and Aphrodite, a strange couple indeed. But, he was not raised in this unlikely household. Instead, it is said that he was raised in caves on Mount Ida in modern-day Turkey by nymphs.

Once he turned 15, however, his whole life went sour. We can only assume that he became depressed about a girl (or a guy, we can’t be sure) and wanted to kill himself. Despite his probable desire of suicide, it was not to be. Instead, he met a nymph in a pool named Salmacis.

 

 

Despite her attractiveness, she fell in love with the boy. But, further promoting our belief that he was secretly gay, the Hermaphroditus rejected her. She decided that she would trick him, not unlike the wives of many. She disappeared from the water, making him think that she was no longer there. He proceeded to undress and start bathing.

Being the devious nymph(o) she was, she ambushed him and wrap herself around him, asking that the gods to never separate them again. So, taking her literally, the gods made the water nymph and Hermaphroditus merge into one being, forming the first hermaphrodite.

While this is not the birth of a god, it is the origin story of a deity. The absurdity of this myth comes from the literalness that the gods decided to have. (Also, the fact that a 15-year-old boy would reject a water nymph, but that is a story for another day.)

Horus

Mythology of Origin: Egyptian

The Myth:

The story begins with a simple story of sibling rivalry between Osiris and Set. Osiris, the King of the Gods, was envied by his brother, Set, the God of Destruction, because he was the king. Set, being next in line for the throne, figured that he would kill Osiris and steal his position.

As all brothers do when they plot to kill their brother, he threw a party in a deceiving plan to murder Osiris. The plan was, essentially, to lock Osiris into a sarcophagus. Unfortunately for Osiris’ intelligence’s reputation, he fell for it and was sealed in. The coffin was then floated down the Nile. Set found the coffin, opened it up, and cut up Osiris into fourteen different parts.

It turns out, when his wife, Isis, was looking for his chopped up body, she could only find thirteen of fourteen pieces

It’s unfortunate for Osiris that the only piece that could not be found was his penis. When he was brought back to life (amazing on its own), Set’s friendly sister-wife helped Isis by making a golden phallus for him to “wear.”

After Isis and Osiris “commemorated” the day they were reunited, Horus was conceived. And that’s how babies are born… with  gold dicks.